Fuck It!

This is how I feel right now

What the hell is wrong with my mother! I really cannot stand her anymore. Here i was coming back from college meeting and when i came into the doorstep, mother and my sister was going to Queensbay. They knew i hate shopping yet they force me to go. Saying i stay at home all the time and playing games. What the hell! Get the fact right....you canceled my trip to KL, i told you i am going to Edward's house and here you are telling me i am staying at home all the time.

Early in the morning, YOU YOURSELF asked me if i could just stay at home instead of going to the meeting and i told you no! And now, you're asking me to go out. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU! Here you said no and there you said yes to the same thing! I AM A HUMAN AND I WAS GRANTED A BRAIN TO MAKE DECISIONS NOT TO FOLLOW ORDERS! My sister, whenever i force her to do something she dislike, she wouldnt do it too and now she's telling me to go shopping. What the fuck! I really cannot stand it anymore.... The longer i stay at my home, the more crazy i am going to be. It's like every part of my life is being controlled or something. I cannot do the stuff i want, whenever i want. When mother declared a cold war, i just kept quiet. And since you talked to me, so i talked to you. Sometimes i tried to ignore you and what you do? You can play cold war towards me but i cant do that to you is it? What kind of law is that??? I got screamed when i didnt answer you but when you didnt answer me, did i screamed at you!? DID I??? I asked you and tried to talk to you and you just ignore me. Yet, i kept quiet and thought that nothing had happened. So, you can do whatever you want while i cannot do whatever i want is it?

You thought i do not want to go out is it? I've go so many places i wanted to go but the fact that i stayed home is cause i do not want to waste money! If i'd asked some money from you, you'll start screaming your head off again. So, would i dare to ask you? Of course not... I am really fed up with you, mother. I do not know what happened to you or me... Yes, i am a lazy bum cause i do not want to get a job. So what? I am not like....asking you money all the time. Did I? If i were lazy, then think back what Chris and Cat did when they were at my age. And think back further back when i was younger and you were working that time. WHO COOKED FOR CHRIS AND CAT? WHO MAKE HOUSE CHORES WHEN YOU'RE WORKING? DID THEY DO ANY HOUSE CHORES WILLINGLY!!???? DO THEY????

Yes, it's true they didnt use much of your money but did I? Did i not spent your money wisely? Everyday before i go college, you will ask me if i needed money or not and if i have extra cash, i will say no. Why i didnt say yes? Isnt is that if i'd said yes, i would earn extra pocket money and i would've much more money compared to now? IT'S CAUSE I AM TRYING NOT TO USE YOUR MONEY! Mother, i never even have a single thought that i am unfortunate to have a mother who give me such a little money. As you know, i have friends who get money from their parents and spend like 100+ or so just in some useless stuff . Did i do that??? DID I??? There's once where you asked father to fetch me to the new cyber cafe and play a while. What did i tell you? I said no isnt it? You knew i love playing games and yet i refuse to go to cycber cafe. Why? It's for the reason that i do not think it's worth it! It's not like i needed leisure time or whatsoever. And yet, here you are, asking a bit too much out of me.


Even until now, i am helping you to do the house chores and i seldom complained. I am just saying i do not wanted to go Queensbay and here you are saying you're not going to fetch me to college when the semester reopen. Hey! It's not like i do not want to learn driving. It's not cause i am lazy. It's cause I GOT NO CAR TO DRIVE! I've always wanted to drive Chris's car and you and her said no cause it's new. So, i wanted to drive dad's car but it's hard to find a parking lot when i am coming back! And, do they have free time to guide me? NO! I do wanted to try and drive by myself but it's too dangerous because i am still very amateur and my driving skill sucks! So, if i were to obtain P license for both car and bike, that makes me not a lazy bum is it? I know my limits mother. I really cannot drive it's not like I'd never tried. You yourself do know that i had an accident the first time i ride a bike by myself. I even had an accident when i was driving using dad's car. Isnt that enough for you??? Do you know that i've got a bit of trauma after these???

I've become more aware of the danger of the streets and whenever a car or whatever vehicles near me, i feel really scared.... I did not say it out because you and the others will start saying this and that. I've tried to gather all my courage to go back to the streets and did you guy noticed? No you guys didnt...it's because i do not want to tell. I am not young mother.... i am trying to be independent but with you over-caring me, my effort is like, going to waste. How am i suppose to grow with you calling me to do this and that all the time?HOW??? I am really sad ma, i never argued with you like this before and i never thought this kind of incident would've happened. I really hope this would end soon. Cat had been poking into my business since i was small and whenever i poke into her's she'll shove me off and all. How fair is that??? I've never felt so, not home before and now, i feel like im a dog living in a cage, obeying all your orders nevertheless sisters' and father's.

I really cannot take it anymore! I really wish this could end soon. I do not want to stay at home anymore! The reason i did not tell this to mother is because i knew this would trigger more arguments and i really would like to try to avoid further arguments. I would also like to tell this to someone but who were there to tell? Dad??? Is that really necessary? I do not know... That, is the sole reason why i actually posted such entry. I smile all the time doesnt mean that i am happy all the time. I smile all the time because i do not want people to start asking me what is wrong with me but, Ms. Judy do saw through that something is wrong with me and i really appreciate her effort for asking.

It's leeched from Deviantart