Deception

Today i've been hitted with yet another not so pleasant news in my life. It might be pleasant to others perhaps but not really me... One of them is that there's a group of people who are actually discussing about me. Not in a bad backstab way neither gossiping but they're actually planning to put me in a higher position or something...or rather, what one of them told me is, 'potential leader'. Of course i WHAT THE HELLed but to think that i am to lead a bunch of people? I am not sure... I can lead if i wanted to but the problem is, i am very BAAAAAAAAAD in job delegation. Most of the time, i just suck everything up and well, of course my group will have a nice time relaxing etc etc.

Then, in the other situation, during class, i was appointed group leader =.=" for a mini assignment in Database System. So fine, im the minority and they voted me....so i suck it up. Then it was the time where Mr.Lew assesses each and every one of us. I was like Mr. Professor Goh, sucking everything up and practically doing the job by ourselves. He started to comment on Professor Goh saying he shouldnt do so etc etc and when it's my turn i thought he was gonna say the same... but then =.=" He talks about Raziman saying all he did was staring at the screen and of course i defended him saying he did provide me some idea. I should've kept quiet... Why? He said that is the criteria of a good leader....

I am a weird guy i think. For one reason, i've my own urm....perception. I dislike being praised neither do i like being looked upon like an idol or a god. I prefer to be myself...live in a humble life... Of course i would like to be appreciated from time to time but not to the extend of letting the whole wide world know about it. Appreciate as in the form of like...acknowledge my existence or something like that. well, i said this cause basically certain people in my life sort of like...doesnt know that i existed. (relatively speaking) And that really hurts... To treat someone like they're my own family but in the end, they just treat me like a tool. I do not wish for like...payback or anything alike on the deeds i did on someone but all i ask is for acknowledgment instead of dumping me aside... That's all i asks...

I give what i take and i believe there's no such thing as one way route. It's like...i share with you my knowledge and i expect something in return. Well, at least that's my concept... But it's the opposite way... I do not expect people to return something to me but i expect myself to pay whatever thing i learnt from others...one way or another...

Since last time, i do realize that if i push people hard enough, i can bend their will towards mine indirectly. Not that i have that kind of supernatural power but it's just that sometimes, i've the mouth to convince people to change their mind. I do not know if i am hallucinating or im just dreaming but so far, i've quite some incident where i was sort of like... evil and used them to well, gain benefits on myself. It's not exactly a nice way to do so but then... sigh...it's like im developing this bad habit and nowadays, im using people more and more often. Well, not to the extend of everyday or every single occasion but it's like...maybe when i need to go somewhere or i needed something and i will 'bend' their mind indirectly. Sigh.... i hope this doesnt turn into a habit...