Shattered Dream.

At long last, you gave me an answer. Maybe it will be hard for me to accept it now, maybe not. But one thing for sure. I never regretted what i did and what said. I never regretted for sending those letters emails to you. I just dont understand why. Now at least i know that how heartbreaks feel. Now i know why my sis cried when she lost BIL. Now i know but then, i will not cry for i do not regret. Heartbreak yes, sad yes but cry, never. I never knew that heartbreak will makes me oblivious to the surrounding. I really never knew. I nearly killed myself or at least injured myself when walking home. I never knew. I do not know that time passes so fast when your head is searching, thinking and malfunctioning. I really never knew. But now i know. Now i know what it can do. Now i know that no doubt that my love towards you is true.

I told my friends that wanted to forget about you. Forget about the story i made. Forget about the story we made. I tried but i failed. Yes, sometimes i may be a bit scary. Scary as in knowing a lot of things about you although you never told. But one thing, i never ever STALKED you. I never ever followed you. NEVER... Few days ago, i've decided to let it go for i knew my love towards you will never blossoms but i never imagined these words to be said out of your mouth. Again and again i forgive and again and again ignored. Ignoring what you said and forgive for what you did. I know you do avoid me and ignored me but i pretend i do not know. I knew you peep at me sometimes. I do not know why but then now i kinda know. You're afraid that i am looking at you. If i do then so what? There's not a big deal about it. D-Phobia always peeped/looked at me but i prefer to ignore and never looked back. This is the third time you pierced my heart and it's more than enough. Whenever i brought camera, you asked for a look at it. I knew why but again, i pretended i did not. You're afraid i take your pictures but then i did not. It's good to take precaution but then, those words of yours pierced right through my heart.

I never asked Matt to take any pictures of yours. I just lend them and take whatever they want. Am i that desperate? Yes, I got a few pictures of you and FYI, i can just take those pictures from you if i want to but i did not. I do have the intention but i never do it. Again and again my heart was shattered, and again and again i picked up those shattered pieces and plastered it. But then, i think i will need a long long time to fix this. I may be alright tomorrow but every time i see your face, i will remember your words. Every time i listen to passionate songs, i will again remember your words and you. Maybe it's time for me to stop and rest. Waiting, waiting for someone or something to wake me up again. Perhaps you, perhaps someone else.

At least one thing that never fails me. TIME. Chronos/ Cronos Chaos. My best friend that will always accompany me till the day i die. At least time gives me the answer i wanted, although it is in a way that i never imagined.

Aika (Elegy)



As I clung to you, you dug your nails into my back
And carved me, taking me deeper into a dream
One of the fluttering, scattering flower petals
Wavers, wanders, it’s lost its place

Dirty me with your hands, with your hands
Break me again and again, again and again
We put our two sweaty lonelinesses together
And fall into a bright, invisible darkness
If my body’s going to die one day
Then I want it to rot from your love

I’d feel better if this sickness had a name
I’m afraid to stick out, I move into the crowd somehow
One of the fluttering, scattering flower petals
Wavers, wanders, I’ve found you

I’ll dirty you with my hands, with my hands
And drown in you again and again, again and again
Our two backs together gives me anxiety and happiness
That comes in waves, penetrating me
If this love’s going to die someday
Tear me apart now with your love

Dirty me with your hands, with your hands
Break me again and again, again and again
We put our two sweaty lonelinesses together
And fall into a bright, invisible darkness
If my body’s going to die one day
Then I want it to rot from your love
With your hands, dirty me, dirty me