I am confused. / You despise me.

Well, for once in my life, i am somehow different. Different in the way i feel. Usually, i do things according to my conscience but now it's somehow different. My conscience asked me to go for it but then, i take a step back and dare not to step forward. Though i know my love towards Circe will not blossom, i still go for it. Why? Because my conscience said so. But now, things have/had change. Now i treat you as a normal friend and the worst of all i dare not to go for others anymore although a few of them give me 'signs' that they like me. I guess it's because the incident i made. But, i do not blame at anyone, neither you. I blame on myself for my wrong doing. Although now i tell you that you're just my friend, my heart tells me otherwise. Why? I still look at you from time to time and for some reason, i do not know why you kept looking at me. This really confuse me but i've decided to leave it be. I've decided not to be pushy and take things slowly. But then, it's as if i am cursed with the pain of love, there came another whom i consider does not in my life before.

For that, he who shall be named Ca (pronounced as Kae). Weird huh? But then it's a nice name, to me. Ca showed some so called 'signs' to me but every time i pretended that i am stupid or whatsoever. Well, every time i do so, Ca will show some childish behavior like angry at me a while or something like that. But one thing, Ca did something no one else (family not included) did for me. Of course i am glad but i prefer to stay pessimistic about it. What Ca did? Well, lets just say that i was being defended...somehow but i dont really know how. Frankly speaking, i do not know that i was 'defended' until Ca tell me about it. (blush) Anyway, i swore to myself that i will not be going on any relationship until i've confirmed that i really have no feeling towards Circe, which now, still lies strongly in my heart and mind.

Impertinent

I do not know what's wrong with you. And yes, maybe i am a bit crazy and i wrote stupid things on your desk. But then, does that makes me 'eligible' to be release tantrum upon? Well, yes maybe i am annoying but then, i just want my friends to share the happiness with me. Maybe to you it's nothing but then of course i am happy about my thing. Did i ever brag about you talking about Mariah Carey all day long? Did i even say that you're annoying because you kept asking me to listen to Mariah Carey songs? NO! I dare to say that. When we were at Prangin Mall once, you kept asking me to listen to MC's song and i was reluctant to do so but did i give you a sour face? NO i did not. I just listen to your song and said that you're just being unreasonable because you force me to listen to MC's song. Well, now Matt is not here the whole week. Who'd you talk and walk with other than people from your class? You will have me and Nazrin if you hadnt DESPISES me. I am okay with that but one thing. I do not have a thick face to talk to you like what D-phobia does. You dislikes despises me, and off you go. I will not go and say 'Hey...how are you'. Well, maybe i will do that in your dream.

When you need money, i will just lend it to you without complaining or being stingy. I dont even ask for the money you owe me if you do not give. Why? Because i appreciate our friendship and money is not that important compare to a <s>TRUE friend. I know that i am the one who's willingly to do it and i should not bring this out but then, it's the fact. The worst of all, i cant believe that you actually wrote 'M2K loves Daniel' on Physic's and Chemistry's lab table. I found myself very stupid for defending you when Reuben and others from my class called you and Matt GAY. I shouldnt have done that. It looks as if myself being toyed around. And FYI, the reason i am not doing any revenge, spreading any rumours or whatsoever because you do help me and i do appreciate that. You had became the 'Mid Man' between me and Circe and i know what i did last year out of rage and anger and realized my stupidity. That's all i want to say and this time, i will not back down or run to you and say 'I am sorry for scribbling at your desk'. That's because, you yourself scribbles at your own desk and others too.

Keyboard and Mouse Kept.

Well, the title says it all. I will blog again when i have the chance... For now, i need to go and kinda busy too...

Avril Lavigne.

I really like her. She changed from her Gothic image to a pretty innocent-like image. Her first debut was Let Go which was released in 2002 and was sold 13 Millions worldwide. With her song like Complicated, Sk8er Boi, Losing Grip and I'm With You, she managed be made known worldwide. Which, at that point, i dont really like her, yet. I dont like her Gothic image which is kind of gruesome to me but then as the time goes by, i found that she's more pretty than ever and sooner or later, i was hooked by her songs. Not that much though.

In 2006, she released her third album, The Best Damn Thing. The single, 'Girlfriend' managed to climb their way to the the top of Billboard Hot 100. I was shocked and hooked of course. Anyway, you wont see me buying her album neither downloading the her songs that i'd not know about. I like her much more than her songs and she was actually invited/hired to Nickelodeon's 'All That' and also Japan's Music Station. I was amazed and of course mesmerized. She tried her hand on some movie career too. She made her film debut in the animation, Over The Hedge. She was on the front cover of the magazine Seventeen once with her new elegant pretty look of course. It is lucky that my sis read those magazine and i get a glimpse to know that she eats vegis only. In other word, she's a vegetarian.

A picture of Avril Lavigne in Goth.

The new Avril Lavigne which is much much better than the old one.




Source: Wikipedia

Shattered Dream.

At long last, you gave me an answer. Maybe it will be hard for me to accept it now, maybe not. But one thing for sure. I never regretted what i did and what said. I never regretted for sending those letters emails to you. I just dont understand why. Now at least i know that how heartbreaks feel. Now i know why my sis cried when she lost BIL. Now i know but then, i will not cry for i do not regret. Heartbreak yes, sad yes but cry, never. I never knew that heartbreak will makes me oblivious to the surrounding. I really never knew. I nearly killed myself or at least injured myself when walking home. I never knew. I do not know that time passes so fast when your head is searching, thinking and malfunctioning. I really never knew. But now i know. Now i know what it can do. Now i know that no doubt that my love towards you is true.

I told my friends that wanted to forget about you. Forget about the story i made. Forget about the story we made. I tried but i failed. Yes, sometimes i may be a bit scary. Scary as in knowing a lot of things about you although you never told. But one thing, i never ever STALKED you. I never ever followed you. NEVER... Few days ago, i've decided to let it go for i knew my love towards you will never blossoms but i never imagined these words to be said out of your mouth. Again and again i forgive and again and again ignored. Ignoring what you said and forgive for what you did. I know you do avoid me and ignored me but i pretend i do not know. I knew you peep at me sometimes. I do not know why but then now i kinda know. You're afraid that i am looking at you. If i do then so what? There's not a big deal about it. D-Phobia always peeped/looked at me but i prefer to ignore and never looked back. This is the third time you pierced my heart and it's more than enough. Whenever i brought camera, you asked for a look at it. I knew why but again, i pretended i did not. You're afraid i take your pictures but then i did not. It's good to take precaution but then, those words of yours pierced right through my heart.

I never asked Matt to take any pictures of yours. I just lend them and take whatever they want. Am i that desperate? Yes, I got a few pictures of you and FYI, i can just take those pictures from you if i want to but i did not. I do have the intention but i never do it. Again and again my heart was shattered, and again and again i picked up those shattered pieces and plastered it. But then, i think i will need a long long time to fix this. I may be alright tomorrow but every time i see your face, i will remember your words. Every time i listen to passionate songs, i will again remember your words and you. Maybe it's time for me to stop and rest. Waiting, waiting for someone or something to wake me up again. Perhaps you, perhaps someone else.

At least one thing that never fails me. TIME. Chronos/ Cronos Chaos. My best friend that will always accompany me till the day i die. At least time gives me the answer i wanted, although it is in a way that i never imagined.

Aika (Elegy)



As I clung to you, you dug your nails into my back
And carved me, taking me deeper into a dream
One of the fluttering, scattering flower petals
Wavers, wanders, it’s lost its place

Dirty me with your hands, with your hands
Break me again and again, again and again
We put our two sweaty lonelinesses together
And fall into a bright, invisible darkness
If my body’s going to die one day
Then I want it to rot from your love

I’d feel better if this sickness had a name
I’m afraid to stick out, I move into the crowd somehow
One of the fluttering, scattering flower petals
Wavers, wanders, I’ve found you

I’ll dirty you with my hands, with my hands
And drown in you again and again, again and again
Our two backs together gives me anxiety and happiness
That comes in waves, penetrating me
If this love’s going to die someday
Tear me apart now with your love

Dirty me with your hands, with your hands
Break me again and again, again and again
We put our two sweaty lonelinesses together
And fall into a bright, invisible darkness
If my body’s going to die one day
Then I want it to rot from your love
With your hands, dirty me, dirty me

Ghost or no ghost?

A few days ago, me and my classmates were having this ghost hunting session at school. Ter Min, Adrian and Moy believed that the small little room is/was haunted. Moy knew my previous history where i see all these stuffs so they summoned called me to follow them to that place to see if there were anything paranormal. Well, the whole class kinda know about it and a whole bunch of them came along including that hideous Reuben. I went there before which was like 2 years ago. They used to keep books there, old books. And now they have cleared it up. So, i told them there was nothing there because i've been there and nothing weird is in there. But they insisted and so, i too followed.

We went there including me. I wasnt afraid at all at the beginning but as i went further in, my stomach started to push the air in it through my throat. I have this nausea feeling whenever something 'paranormal' is happening is nearby. Skeptically, i calmed myself by telling myself that it's just some filthy ancient air that causes this. But then, as i went further in, my throat got thicker and thicker, filled by airs and i knew that it wasnt the filthy air. There's something wrong. I quickly went out of the room without panicking my mates. I told Sim about it and he just kept quiet while others asked me what i saw. Of course i told them nothing. Today, me and Moy went there again and this time, i took some pictures of it. We were afraid to go in cause beside the room, there is a smaller room which is very scary. Dark without lights and very dirty. Just use your own imaginary to imagine it. The best scene i can make up is the scene from Silent Hill or Resident Evil.

Since we do not dare to go in despite i want to, i asked Daniel to accompany me to go in. He say he do not believe in this stuffs and he just say they are making it up. I told him what i felt and of course, he kept quiet but i knew what he's thinking. He will surely think that i am making up this story too but then, who cares? It's really common for me not to be believed that there are something we cant explain exists. Anyway, we went in and took some pictures :D Glad there's nothing scary in the picture except one.



The small little room without lights. But captures the picture with flash.


Me and Moy dont dare to go in. It seems like someone closed the door. Before that, it's open. On the right is the small little room.


The small little room.

What's in this picture on the upper corner. On top of the speaker? There's a dark shadow thingie...


The room that used to keep books.

Bad Day.

Friday was a bad day. Went to school, sick and not happy at all. Although chatting with Kel and stupid Dan is kinda nice. Dan got scolded by me cause he poured water on me while im resting/sleeping. Went home, eat and bath then on to the computer table. To play game? Nope...to finish up my job. 'Photoshopping' for Mei Yin's friend for a total of 5 bucks. Well, kinda easy to earn that RM 5 since all i need to do is make a design for her friend's 'folio'. Here's the stupid design.



It is suppose to be nicer and better but then, my bad, the name of the company Stella was accidentally changed to Stecca due to that person's bad handwriting. And the worst of all, i saved it in JPEG format instead of PSD, which i need to redo the whole thing again. Actually all i need to do is patch the name Stecca and replace it with Stella but then, she wants a background copy of it PLUS the words PLUS another one with only her name on it. As a result, i have to redo using this maniac keyboard which shut the computer down by itself due to haywire inside the keyboard. RM5 seems to be not enough for all that hard work so, i decided to ask for another RM5. Why? Because it's custom made!!! You cant/wont find any of it in any shop. The one that's available in shops also cost RM1 discluding the words. So, custom made + fussy requests + energy (me and electricity) suppose to be more than RM 5 lol...but since she's my first customer, maybe i will leave it be. Furthermore, i give my design only 5 out of 10 because i found frauds in my own work. Which, i'm too lazy to 'fix'.

I took my nap only at 1630++ which i supposed to be snoozing in my bed 1 hour before. Woke up at 1830++ with stupid Cat booming the music from her room with the stupid Hi-Fi Chris bought. Receive a call from Chris indicating that she will be back home at about 0200 from KL and i have to be the one to wake up and wait for her. I'm suppose to wait and call my mom to fetch her from the bus station but then Cat is out with Jasmine to watch Surf Up and by the time they are done, it will be like 0100++ so, they offered to fetch Chris. It ended up with a call from me to Chris indicating that there's a bus delay and they will be home only at about 0400 or so. So, again i have to be a stupid boy to wait for her till 0400. Im drowsy enough to notice the whole trip accompany mom to fetch Chris. It seems to be a quick drive to me. I dropped my whole body at the sofa once i arrive home. But then, i ended up sleeping at 0500++ due to some disturbance from mom, Chris and Mei Yin(she's not a family member. Just a friend who sleepover during weekends for fun).

Aika (Elegy)

As I clung to you, you dug your nails into my back
And carved me, taking me deeper into a dream

One of the fluttering, scattering flower petals
Wavers, wanders, it’s lost its place

Dirty me with your hands, with your hands
Break me again and again, again and again
We put our two sweaty lonelinesses together
And fall into a bright, invisible darkness, If my body’s going to die one day, Then I want it to rot from your love

I’d feel better if this sickness had a name
I’m afraid to stick out, I move into the crowd somehow
One of the fluttering, scattering flower petals
Wavers, wanders, I’ve found you

I’ll dirty you with my hands, with my hands
And drown in you again and again, again and again
Our two backs together gives me anxiety and happiness
That comes in waves, penetrating me
If this love’s going to die someday
Tear me apart now with your love

Dirty me with your hands, with your hands
Break me again and again, again and again
We put our two sweaty lonelinesses together
And fall into a bright, invisible darkness
If my body’s going to die one day
Then I want it to rot from your love
With your hands, dirty me, dirty me